Quarter-Life Crisis

Where I will end up

2009-01-12T22:34:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt like you have no idea where you will end up in a few years?

I want to do so many things but feel like I have no way to accomplish them.

I want to buy a house. No down payment. I am pissed that I have a job and can't even be independent and afford my own house. Pisses me off.

I am dating a new guy. I don't think its going to work long term. I don't see how it could. He is great and awesome and makes me happy for now but there are too many things that I ideally would change so I am just not sure.

I want to get a hobby. What hobby not a clue. Any hobby ideas?

Learning about me

2008-12-30T13:40:00.002-05:00

So I have been I guess on this journey of self discovery lately. Trying to get my life in order and really be an adult. Well last night I discovered that I shouldn't in fact drink. Ever. I hadn't be drinking for a month because someone issued me a challenge and I had been doing awesome. I was able to go out and enjoy myself just by drinking diet coke etc. But last night I got to the bar really early with a friend and just had too much to drink. I realize that it just tends to make me feel crappy about myself and want to cry. I don't want to be that. I don't want to be weak. I am a strong independent person and I am going to kick life in the ass and be a spectacular person. I just need to be with my friends and family but i control all this. It is in my control. I am going to be awesome!

How to Boost Self-Esteem

2008-09-14T22:27:00.002-05:00

Not that I lack it in all areas of my life. There is one glaring area though that gets me in trouble all the time. I lack self-confidence around men. I never feel like I will be able to be in a relationship because I am not sure that I feel that I am actually worthy of being loved.

It is sad really. Job wise, complete confidence. I feel like I could conquer the world there. Also, I am proud of myself for making it on my own and being a pretty independent person. I just lack the confidence in relationships. I am pretty loud a lot and kind of an in your face person and I am not sure people like that. I like that about me but I think it rubs others the wrong way.

Advice? Please comment

Worrying about Ike and trying to focus on work

2008-09-06T20:14:00.002-05:00

So it looks like we might be evacuating again next week. This hurricane crap is ridiculous. It makes it very difficult to focus on the rest of life.

Tonight I am sitting at a coffee shop creating power points for work. I use the Saints as a way to teach geography to my kids. I saw it done when I was an undergrad and it worked beautifully. I have a large us map on the wall of my classroom and I stick a pin in NOLA and a pin in whatever city the Saints are playing in or against. I then use a string to connect the two places and mark it off with the distance. I create a short power point on the city they are playing to teach them a little geography about the place. I just created the power point for Tampa as that is who they are playing this week. Let me tell, nothing to interesting about Tampa. The next week the Saints play the Redskins so that has some more information about it. Thank goodness.

Cross your fingers for our city or pray or whatever you do. We need it.

Back Home

2008-09-04T20:50:00.002-05:00

So I am back home and am starting to get sick. I was with my sister all week who was running fever and had a cough and now I am starting to get a sore throat which doesn't really make me happy.

New Orleans is a bit of a mess. Last night I came and checked on my apartment and didn't have power. I slept at my dads. This morning I came back and am lucky enough to have power and cable. We are supposed to go back to work on Monday and I hope we do because I am getting slight cabin fever.

I was going to go grocery shopping today as I have no food in the house. We learned from Katrina to empty out freezers/refrigerators. But they are so under staffed at this point that there was a line out the door waiting. They would only let so many people in at one time. Maybe tomorrow I will do that. Today I was just not up for it.

There are downed power lines all over and traffic lights are kinda touch and go but hopefully everyday it will get better.

All eyes are on Ike now hoping it will leave us alone. We have had about all we can handle for the next 100 years.

Ready to Go Home

2008-09-03T12:18:00.001-05:00

I am still in Tallahassee. We are planning on leaving tomorrow (Thursday). I am ready to go now. Nagin decided to open the city basically because you have to drive through there to get anywhere else. I am just ready to go back home. I don't care if I don't have power. I am ready to go. Now.

My Hurricane Gustav Story

2008-09-02T19:48:00.002-05:00

After being back in New Orleans around 35 days, a hurricane was coming straight for me. Great. Back to evacuating. Almost three years to the day after Katrina.

For the story ... on Saturday I evacuated to Baton rouge to stay with my sister at her dorm at LSU. After being there for about three hours, I received a call from my mother telling us we had to come back and go with them to Tallahassee because it looked like it would be bad in BR. We drove back to Nola.

On sunday morning at 4am, we left for Tallahassee. Well the state of Mississippi sucks and closed I10 going east through their state. So we had to go north. We were on I59 in MS between exits 1 - 26 for 7 hours. In all, it took us all of 20 hours to drive from NOLA to Tallahassee. It was ridiculous.

We have now been in Tallahassee for a couple of days, I am not really sure how long. I have lost all sense of time. I am ready to leave. My dad is home and his parish opens in the morning at 6am. I think I am going to leave at midnight tonight. I am here with my mom and sister, etc. My mom will not come up with a plan. That pisses me off to no end. I need a plan so I think I will be taking off by myself.

I hate Nagin. We had a Cat 2 hurricane brush by us and I can't go to my damn house. What the hell is going on. I am glad the hurricane didn't hit us directly. He is an idiot. First he called it the storm of the century and now he is telling us we are going back to primitive conditions. AHH!!! Some people in the city actually have power so what the crap is he talking about. He sucks and I want to throw things at his head.

I am ready to go home.

My Sister and other random ramblings

2008-08-20T21:01:00.001-05:00

My sister is going through rush right now at LSU and it feels like I am going through rush. I am in a sorority so have done it all before and wish I could be with her while she goes through it. Keep your fingers crossed ... her tops are still in there. School is going well. I like my students and my coworkers (the ones I have met at least) so I am pretty happy about that. I do miss my old coworkers though. Men. They suck. That is all I have to say on the subject. Oh and today i got really excited because I actually heard someone say in real life yourmommaandthem. It made me happy.

Exhausted

2008-08-12T18:37:00.002-05:00

So the first two days of school have kicked my butt. Being in a different state this year makes me have to adjust my expectations. I am teaching the next grade up this year and some things they know way more than my kids last year but somethings that my kids knew by the end of last year they just seem rather lost.

I really like the new school. I am just pretty tired and the afternoon is way too long. After lunch we have three hours until dismissal. That is way too long of an afternoon especially when the kids are looking at me like they are going to die of boredom and tiredness.

I am a few kids that I am trying to pull out of their shells but havent figured it out yet. I have a little boy who is so shy he won't come out of his shell at all and I just want to try to get him to open up. He seems smart from the work I have seen him do so far I just wish he would interact with me and the other kids more. We shall see.

Need to complain less

2008-08-09T21:00:00.002-05:00

So this year I will be working in an area that was completely demolished by the hurricane. Many of the staff and students lost their homes. They discuss how they have been living out of boxes for the past three years. I complain about being in boxes for a month. I need to learn how lucky I really am and stop complaining. These people have been through so much but continue to push on with no complaining at all. I need to be more like them.

I have returned

2008-08-06T16:18:00.001-05:00

So I have finally returned to blog land. The move back here went well and I am getting settled in at my new school. We start Monday with students so hopefully I will be ready by then. I still don't have internet at my house but I am "borrowing" someone's wireless now.

My life is still in such a state of flux. Living with all these boxes still around and stuff. I hope to finish getting set up on the weekend. Hopefully all goes well.

Last Night In Lakeland

2008-07-20T20:44:00.002-05:00

So this is offically my last night here in Lakeland. I will be moving on back to New Orleans tomorrow. I am very excited to be going and can't wait for the new adventures back there. I have learned a lot living here but it is time to go.

Packing

2008-07-06T19:05:00.002-05:00

Packing is a pain. You kind of learn a lot about yourself through it though. I have been learning what is valuable and what is not. What I feel the strong need to keep and what I don't need anymore. I have so far decided that 12 sweatshirts are probably not necessary. So I am trying to condense my two years in Lakeland to a small amount of stuff and it is somewhat difficult. I am so ready to leave here and go home but I am also freaking out a little. What if home is not good either? What if it is me? You can't escape yourself and I am not sure what to do about that.

I will go resign from my current job tomorrow. That means packing up more crap. Have to pack up my classroom and get all the boxes to my apartment. It's a pain when you don't really know anyone to help you get your crap. At least at home I have people to help me unpack.

Job

2008-07-03T22:09:00.001-05:00

I got the job I wanted today. No idea what grade level but they want me at their school and I will have a job there.

I also got an apartment. My mom went and saw it and sent me pics and I think I am going to be thrilled with it. It is right on the mardi gras parade route so that will add lots of fun!

Moving

2008-07-02T21:04:00.002-05:00

So I have decided to leave Florida sooner than planned. I will actually be leaving before the end of the month. I can't be here any longer and not lose sanity. I will be going back home to new orleans and am very excited.

When I was home, I interviewed for two different jobs. I was offered one, a first grade position at a charter school, and the other one i should here their decision tomorrow and that is for a third grade position. ideally I would like the third grade position but we will see what happens. I am just happy I am leaving.

Scared

2008-07-02T13:53:00.002-05:00

I have pre cancerous cells on my cervix. I am scared as all hell. I was at the doctor about a week and a half ago for a regular appointment and I just got test results today. I have to go back on Monday to get further testing. I am freaking out.

New Idea

2008-06-21T10:53:00.003-05:00

I am trying to go home today as opposed to on Wednesday. The quitting smoking is hitting me hard today and it is nasty and rainy and dreary outside and I don't have crap to do and I am going a little crazy. Trying to see if I can get people to cover my meetings for tomorrow, Monday, and Tuesday. Will update.

Victory

2008-06-19T19:03:00.002-05:00

So I drove in my car for many many hours today and managed not to smoke a cigarette so that is good. I am drinking some wine now so that will be another test. I don't really even want a cigarette anymore so I am good.

I am going home to visit in less than a week! I am so excited to see my family and friends and be around people. It shall be great.

Day four and the test

2008-06-19T08:37:00.000-05:00

So it is day 4 of no smoking and I am still doing pretty well. Except last night and today I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and that is not real cool. It is directly related to the smoking because nothing else is going on in my life that I really would cry about.

Today will be a rough one. I have my meeting that is an hour and a half drive from here. I haven't had to drive that far without a cigarette yet. And I really hate driving which doesn't help the whole situation.

In other news, my mom got married yesterday. So now I have a step daddy. Kind of strange but happy for them :)

Level of Importance

2008-06-18T21:24:00.001-05:00

It is always so strange how wrong I am. Like I can't read people for shit. I think I am important to someone and then they don't call or get in touch with me and I realize that I am not. Whoops. Wish I wsn't wrong all the time.

Stressing

2008-06-18T20:32:00.001-05:00

So I really really really want a cigarette right now. And that really sucks. I am just trying to hold it all together and not give in. We shall see how that works. I tried to take a nap today and couldn't even sleep through that so I am hoping I can sleep tonight. I am getting really cranky since I can't sleep lately. It annoys the crap out of me. I don't know how long that will last for.

Day 3

2008-06-18T07:40:00.001-05:00

Just woke up recently and don't even want a cigarette. Of course I barely slept last night. I think it is some strange reaction to the lack of nicotenne so now I can't sleep. I am feeling pretty good today though. A small headache. Off to the gym and then back for a nap since I didn't really get to sleep last night.

Almost 48 hours

2008-06-17T20:07:00.003-05:00

It is hard right now. I really really want a cigarette. I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing this. For health, to be a good example, so other people don't think I am gross, money saving, etc etc. It is hard though. How long will these feelings last? The hardest part is when I go home and we go out drinking. That will be a real rough time. AHHH. Hopefully I will sleep tonight and tomorrow will be easier.

How long do the cravings last?

2008-06-17T10:49:00.002-05:00

How many days am I going to have to deal with these cravings? It sucks. But I know I can make it and not smoke anymore. Any helpful tips?

My goal is to quit smoking while actually losing 5 pounds instead of gaining. We shall see how that goes.

Day 2 of quitting

2008-06-17T07:30:00.001-05:00

I barely slept last night. I kept waking up and it definitely was not fun. Still haven't had a cigarette though. I have a really bad headache right now though and I wonder if that is from nicotene withdrawls. I am not really sure. I am just going to try to keep myself busy. I am going to start the day by going to the gym and then I have two meetings later tonight so we shall see how everything goes.

Sad but Accomplished

2008-06-16T21:21:00.003-05:00

So I have gone 24 hours without a cigarette. Is every day going to be this hard? It hasn't been the worst day or anything but it certainly hasn't been easy. When does it get easier? I only wish I could find out. Everyone says different things so I am not exactly sure.

Sad today because I realized that some things are just not meant to work out. No matter how much you want them to, they are doomed from the start. I have that horrible punched in the gut feeling all of a sudden.

And now I am crying. Nice. Laughing and crying all at the same time. I feel screwed. I don't know. AHHHHH. You know some people may just be meant to be single smokers forever. Who knows.

Hour 22

2008-06-16T19:24:00.003-05:00

Still no cigarette. I feel like I am in the middle of a mild panic attack though so its not so much fun. I am trying to read and just take a deep breath and calm down. Hopefully the first day is harder than the next.

Hour 15

2008-06-16T14:12:00.001-05:00

It has been 15 hours since I ripped up my cigarettes. For a good portion of these 15 hours I was sleeping but now I am awake and bouncing around trying to find something to do to control myself. I went to the gym about two hours after waking up and then went to the drugstore for some sour patch kids to eat instead of smoking. I am now reading a book. I have a meeting to go to in two hours so at least that will be less time at home.

Which day is harder when quitting smoking? Is the first day the hardest or not?

Day one

2008-06-15T20:58:00.000-05:00

I just ripped up eleven cigarttes. No more in the house. Lighter put away because I am scared to throw it is the trash because I am scared to start a fire. Ahh we shall see how this goes.

Quitting Smoking ... yet again

2008-06-15T13:35:00.002-05:00

So I am going to quit smoking tomorrow am. I was going to let myself finish all the cigarettes I have but I am not any longer. I can no longer afford to smoke and quite frankly, I really want to be healthier. I want to be able to run without having to quit and walk because i am breathing to heavy. I worked to hard to lose all this weight to continue to smoke.

Last year around this time I tried to quit (it lasted all of 6 hours.) Then my mom decided to leave my dad so I decided the timing probably wasn't right.

Now it feels like no time is better than now. No stress of work or anything else. So hopefully this will be my last day as a smoker.

I am lame

2008-06-13T23:23:00.002-05:00

It is Friday night, well Saturday morning ... whatever ... and I am home alone. And you know what that sucks. I don't have a life here in Lakeland except for work and working out. I think I need to seriously consider going back to New Orleans sooner than later. I am not sure how healthy this is.

I have been trying to beat my two year time limit. I survived at Ole Miss for only two years. Then I moved back to NOLA and lived in an apartment for a year and a half before moving back with my parents. I feel like I can't make it on my own. I really need to be surronded by friends and family and right now I am not.

I have been drinking too much. A few years back, I had a serious problem with alcohol (ie drinking a liter and a half of wine everyday by myself) and I am finiding myself drinking more. Not every night but more than I have in the past two years. No more box wine.

There is really nothing here for me. I just don't know what to do. I am lost.

Missing Someone

2008-06-12T21:19:00.003-05:00

i hate missing people. I miss someone a lot but I can't see them. I hate not being able to see them. How are you really suppose to get to know someone when you can't even be around them. I wish the situation was different but i guess it is what it is and i hope that something comes out of it but I don't see how it can happen.

Good Day

2008-06-12T16:56:00.002-05:00

So I had a great day today even though I must have been in my car for almost 4 hours. I got to talk for a long time to my mom and she talked about how much she appreciated me. A year ago my mom left my dad for someone else. She and her boyfriend are getting married next week. My sister and I adjusted to this change well. It didn't affect me as much as it did my sister as she still lives at home. His kids are being ridiculous about the whole thing. They don't understand why he has to get remarried yadda yadda yadda. Oh and they already have families of their own and are older than I by at least 10 years. Its like get over it. Yeah its rough to have your parents divorce but by the time you are an adult it doesn't really affect you all that much anymore. The man my mom is marrying is a great man and I am starting to see how great a marriage can really be. I didn't have a great example growing up and my mom blames herself for it. It's not her fault and I will be fine. It's good to know that I am appreciated.

Being Spotted

2008-06-09T14:55:00.002-05:00

I always knew it would happen eventually. I was spotted by a WW member who was in my meeting last Monday. I am in the Yankee Candle store in the mall wanting to get a candle. Of course I ask the randomest questions so I ask if there is a candle that smells like a man. Or I guess I should say how a man should smell if he was wearing cologne. So I get my candle that smells like a man ... called Midsummers Night .... and I am checking out. The girl asks me how many meetings I do a week. I look around confused momentairly and then realize she is asking about WW. So we chat about that a little bit.

It makes me feel bad when I don't recognize my members in a place that is out of the normal context. I must have over 200 members so of course I can't remember them all and this particular member had only been in my meeting once so I guess I shouldn't feel that bad.

And it's always better to be spotted by a member than a student. Hearing my teacher name yelled across a room also freaks me out.

Lonely Sunday Night

2008-06-08T20:56:00.003-05:00

Veyr lonely on this Sunday night. Haven't really done a lot today. Don't have a lot to do tomorrow. Being off of work is cool it is just a time to recoup and everything but it makes me somewhat lonely. It makes me realize how much i don't really have here in Lakeland. I really don't have much of a reason to be here. I am staying to start and finish my second year of teaching at the same school but other than that I really have no connection to here. I wish I had a connection to here but I really just don't.

I am not really sure what I should be doing or where my life is taking me to. I don't know what the hell is going on.

Boring Saturday Night

2008-06-07T19:58:00.003-05:00

Saturday nights have gotten a lot less exciting. I am home washing clothes, making a meatloaf for the freezer, and having a glass of good old box wine. I worked three meetings this morning so I am just kind of tired. I have no real motivation to do anything. Oh well, at least tomorrow is only one meeting. And I actually went to the grocery today so I won't have to do that tomorrow which is good.

Crazy Long Day

2008-06-05T17:55:00.001-05:00

I drove over 150 miles today. I hate driving. I had to do three meetings for weight watchers and I was going crazy. I am starting a new meeting at a phosphate plant and 3/4 of the group is men. Kinda of strange. I have never had that many men in a group before. I will probably have to tweak my meetings so it is valuable for them. Lots of beer bellies. LOL.

I am just tired and want to sleep a whole day away but can't until Monday. Crazy times and crazy days.

Last night I barely slept at all which was not good. I ws so tired and a little bit tipsy and just couldn't sleep and kept having dreams about rats. Oh well. Such is life.

Hurts

2008-06-02T21:48:00.002-05:00

It hurts when you like someone that is so far away and you can't see them. It feels like I have been punched in the gut. It also hurts to like someone more than than like you.

Goal - Not to kill children

2008-06-01T20:49:00.002-05:00

TWO MORE DAYS!!! Only two more days with students and I am not sure how I am going to make it. Right now I am in denial that I even have to go to work tomorrow so that isn't really working to my advantage. I would rather sit home and read a book or something but I guess it's only two more days with students so I could survive.

I am ready for summer!!!!!!!!!!!

FYI Men are confusing as all crap

Running in 90 degree weather

2008-05-31T18:53:00.002-05:00

So I got really bored this evening because I haven't left my apartment at all today because there is really nothing to do here. Well around 6, I decided I was not going to be a fat ass and I was going to go running/walking. I have this strange obsession with trying to be a runner even though I don't think I will ever be because I can't get that in through your nose out through your mouth thing down. It's batty. Anyway, so I did that for about 45 minutes and it is damn hot. It is theraputic though to put on my ipod and run/walk and be away from the leash of a cell phone. I am going to get back into working out 6 days a week like I used to. I am on a mission to lose 10 pounds.

New Mantra

2008-05-31T17:12:00.003-05:00

I refuse to base my happiness on other people's actions because I can't control other people.

Lazy Saturday

2008-05-31T11:26:00.003-05:00

I am having a very lazy Saturday. I am not sure what to do today. I guess I could go get a pedicure or something but I am just not feeling like getting dressed. I should relish the weekend I guess and just let myself be a lazy bum. Any ideas?

Yesterday's happy hour was crazy. Got smashed with a whole bunch of other teachers and then our AP shows up. I was trying to convince her that i was responsible enough to be grade chair. We shall see if I get that now. I did get to meet a whole bunch of people from school that I have always known but never really took the chance to get to know and now I know that they are actually cool people and that I want to actually take the time to get to know them now.

Longest Day Ever

2008-05-29T11:45:00.002-05:00

I am sitting at school at what feels like the longest day ever. We didn't have specials today so I haven't been away from the kids at all and they are all riled up because it is the end of the year. We had an awards ceremony and they did some worksheets. Now they are watching Monsters Inc. I have about an hour and thirty minutes left because I leave early today to get to my WW meeting across the county. I don't know if I am going to keep my sanity. And it is not even Friday yet. Crazy. I am just restless and ready to get out of here.

2nd movie of the day

2008-05-27T12:26:00.001-05:00

We are now watching out 2nd movie of the day. The kids have lost their minds. They keep asking me if tomorrow is the last day of school ... it is in fact not. At least this movie has educational value. We read them The Indian in the Cupboard and are now watching the movie to compare and contrast it. Gives me some time to put things together.

I hae two weight watchers meetings tonight to lead. This is my long day. I am not to tired so I am feeling pretty good about having to work for so long.

Working ... Supposedly

2008-05-27T11:42:00.001-05:00

So here I am at work with 15 little children around me and we are watching Hercules as opposed to doing any work. Really do I have to do this for 6 more days? I am getting a little tired of inane nonsense. I have never had to be in a school after Memorial Day and it just feels wrong.

I have figured out that even though I think I am really good at reading people and what they are thinking that I actually really suck at it. I never know what other people are thinking unless they come out and tell me and so I constantly am wondering. I hate when people just won't say what they are thinking. I probably don't as much as I should. AHHH!!!!

My students are clapping now because Hercules and the woman are kissing and now it is over. So I guess I shall go and figure out something to do.

Working ... Supposedly

2008-05-27T11:42:00.000-05:00

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T17:14:00.002-05:00

It was very nice to be off of work today and just really have nothing to do at all. I have been tired and my throat is hurting a bit so it was good to just relax. Only 6 more working days of kids and then i will be on my summer break and I am so excited. I will still be doing my meeting for weight watchers so at least I will still be making some extra money but I will be able to do nothing a lot which is nice. I am going home the last week of June and am thinking of going somewhere in July but the place is tbd.

Laziness

2008-05-24T20:43:00.003-05:00

So I am having an extremley lazy weekend. Just hanging out and watching tv and being a bum. I have off of work Monday but actually wish I had to go so I could get rid of the kids sooner. June 3rd and they will be gone ... thank goodness for the summer. I think any job I would ever have would need to involve some extended time off just like teaching. It gives me time to recuperate and such.

Working

2008-05-20T10:19:00.001-05:00

At work today ... didn't exactly make it here yesterday. So I am bored at my lanning time bc my partner in crime is out on professional development. I had one crazy weekend. And it's so weird to meet people that you think you could really be friends with and then they just leave (es if they are just here on vacay) I mean that really sucks you know. I am just very down and out today and don't know how I am going to make it through the next 9 days of work. If it was a normal school year we would be getting out this week, but since they changed the schedule we don't get out until June 4th and that makes me a tad unhappy. I am just very cranky today. And it is raining so that means no outdoor recess which means the kids start going a little bit crazy. Oh well, hopefully it will be okay.

It's been awhile

2008-05-17T21:48:00.002-05:00

So it's been awhile but not a whole lot has changed in my life. I am still making stupid desicions because I have such a low self esteem that I sometimes do dumb things to try to make myself feel better. It doesn't. In fact, it has the opposite effect. I am not sure why I do this to myself. I need to make better choices.

How do you know when you love someone? How do you find someone that is your so called soul mate? Shouldn't they been around already?

Weight Loss Motivation

2008-01-01T15:10:00.000-05:00

So this is the time of year when lots of people start tring to lose weight. I started losing weight in January of 2006. Above is a picture of me then. I am the one all the way on the right. Well I have been working my butt of at the gym and doing weight watchers and have lost about 90 lbs. So the other pic is of me now. It can be done and it is so important to work on your weight for your health. Happy new year!

My Car Likes to Test Me

2008-01-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

So I think my car likes to test me and my emotional state and different points throughout the year. I have a 2006 car that I bought brand new. In march of 2007, it wouldn't start. So i called handy dandy triple a and they came and towed it to pep boys and then the pep boys got it started in no time by just turning the key and pushing down on the accelerator. I bring it to Nissan the next day and they tell me nothing is wrong with it.

Flash to July 2007. I had just come back from a trip to New Orleans and was luckily picked up at the airport. Well I went to leave to go grocery shopping (always when i need to go the grocery) and it wouldn't start. So at this point I have already forgotten the whole accelerator trick and called triple a. Well this triple a guy knew the trick and started the car. Again nothing wrong.

Seriously if it won't start as soon as I turn the key something has got to be wrong.

So about an hour ago, i travel down to my car to go to the grocery and my car again is testing me. Well I was paranoid about my car not starting my whole time at home this time but when I started it when I was at the airport on the 28th it was fine. 29th same thing. i didn't drive it on the 30th or the 31st. So I feel a little panic. I start breathing a little deeper. But this time, I was able to remain calm (did I forget to say the last two times this happen it evoked major tears.) So i remembered the handy dandy accelerator trick and after realizing I had to push on the accelarator harder it finally came to life. Whoo hoo! I am independent. No triple a needed this time.

I am still a little paranoid about the car but I guess it is a machine and machines are not 100% perfect. But truly, I would just like to know what the problem is so I don't always have to keep the trick in the back of my mind!

Happy 2008!

New Years's Eve and Resolutions

2007-12-31T16:55:00.000-05:00

I should be in disney world right not but I am not. I went yesterday and it was crazy crowded and then we went out drinking last night. I got tired and wanted to be at home so i had a friend come and pick me up. So now I am at home and have been reflecting on the past year - it's been a little rough - and decided that i need to make some changes within to become a better me. So here in no particular order are my resolutions or maybe better stated things i will work on in this new year

1. Be a better friend - stop challenging and testing my friends. Accept them for who they are because they accept me for who I am.
2. Be a better daughter and sister - I have been pretty good in this department but feel like I could work harder to make sure the bonds will stay strong.
3. Be a better teacher - my students deserve all of my effort and attention. I might be the only person that ever tells them and shows them that someone cares about them. i need to keep this on my mind at all times.

Those are some big challenges. But the people i look up to in my life have a lot of these things down and I want to model myself after different people in my life. Some have so much drive and determination, some are amzing family members, some are just the best friends a person could ever have.

Happy New year i hope 2008 is great!

Love

2007-12-17T21:24:00.000-05:00

So I think live is a strange animal. I have always loved my family and friends but don't ever think I have been in love ... until now and let me just tell you the song love hurts oh yeah Nazareth was right. So I am in love with a guy and he doesn't care to talk to me anymore because I am really not the easiest person to be with. (My friends put up with a lot of crap I must say.) It was all going well and then around 3:30am Sunday morning, it fell apart. And yeah was it my fault sure, but I feel like if he wasn't so damn scared it could have been okay. All I can think about is him and all I talk about is him. It is driving me crazy. I haven't cried today over it which is a step in the right direction but I am just not sure how to move on. I don't date very often so that won't be any help. And some of my friends say oh he will come around yadda yadda ... I don't think so. I have actually messaged him online a couple (or a few) times since our blow out and he hasn't responded. I don't really expect him to either, although I do come on my computer a lot more often to see if he has in fact imed me. He hasn't. I sent him a message and I can see if he read it or not. He did and he didn't respond and that was last night. So i guess I just have to put those feelings off to the side and say okay it is done. Love hurts.

Relationships ... or a lack there of

2007-12-15T19:02:00.000-05:00

So I had a guy and I really liked him but whenever we would get to close I would freak out a little bit. I have a list and he doesn't meet the qualities on this list. Well i finally told him last week that I had strong feelings for him and he never responded. I decided to text him today and see if he wanted to get coffee. Well, he is already dating someone (I already knew this) and he says he likes both of us a lot. Now mincd you he has only been dating this person for like 3 weeks, so if he likes her as much as he likes me then he can't like me as much as I like him. I messaged him back and forth for a while over text (never can be a convo on the phone or in person) and I think now I just need to let him go.

Divorced Parents and Christmas Time

2007-12-14T20:05:00.000-05:00

So it's Christmas time and almost time for me to go home. This year I am going home to a confusing situation. I did it in July but going home around a holiday is a little bit different. My relationship with my mom continues to be strong but my relationship with my dad is crap as it always has been. He insist on picking me up from the airport when I get home yet he hasn't called me for a week. My mom was and is the one I always talk to and spend time with. I ask my dad tonight (when i call him because of course he doesn't call me) what is going on for Christmas he says nothing. So then in my head i go "great, then I can spend it with my mom." But would this be being a good child? I am so conflicted. I want to be with my mom. My dad and I have nothing to talk about and our convos on the phone are never more than 3 minutes. I am just confused and know what I want to do and think I know the right think to do but they are definitely conflicting at the moment.

In a funk

2007-10-07T13:18:00.000-05:00

So I am completely in a funk. I was sick for two weeks and now am getting sick again. I just can't seem to shake this cold. My mom, her boyfriend, and my sister came in town and all I can say is that was a train wreck. I feel like my mom and I don't have the same bond that we used to ever since she sperated from my dad and it sucks. She calls me and has 30 sec convos with me. DON'T CALL ME UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO TALK TO ME. AHHHHH!!!!

Not Laid back

2007-09-02T22:33:00.000-05:00

So I always thought I was a laid back person. In the past week it has been brought to my attention that I am in fact not laid back. I am one of those people who has to do things right now, which often leads to awkward sleeping patterns. Since I started grad school last week, I have been working like crazy on assignments that are due in two weeks as well as ones that are due in a month and a half. My friend said she would not consider me lasid back in fact she says I am quite the opposite. So tonight I asked my mom if she considered me laid back and she also informed me that I am not. I am supposedly hyper and very crazy about doing things the minute I recieve them. Oh well, any other words that descirbe a non-laid back person?

Exhausted

2007-08-31T19:00:00.000-05:00

I am so burned out from this week. In addition to it only being the second week back to work, I started my grad program and started working for Weight Watchers. I haven't been getting home at night until between 8 and 9. My working out also suffered this week but I should get back on track next week. I think I really need to be working out because it truely gives me more energy. I am seriously considered getting into bed shortly.

Work has been going really well. I am glad I made the move to the new school. My class seems a little bit lower that where I started last year but I am going to be able to pull them up. My class is seeming to gel. I just have two or three outliers that seem to make my day harder that it needs to be. I know I will always have at least one though. One of them was absent today, and the other two got called up to the office for some bus issues and my class had never run so smoothly.

I am really happy this weekend is Labor Day weekend. I just hope my textbooks for my grad school classes get here so I can be caught up on readings for Tuesday. I had to order them online and even paid for the quick shipping but they still haven't arrived and that is frustrating me. The biggest problem is UPS doesn't deliever on Saturdays and then Monday is a holiday so the soonest I would get them is Tuesday. I am going to try to get ahead on some assignment I can get ahead on this weekend since I have an extra day.

First Week of School and other life happenings

2007-08-25T19:26:00.000-05:00

The first week of school was a success. I feel so comfortable and this new school and am liking it so much better that my last. I feel like I know way more this year then I ever did last year. I am very happy that I made this switch. Things are also getting less confusing as far as things that come up at a brand new school. The only thing that is a little frustrating is that I am used to second graders at the end of the year and it is strange to feel like I am going back to square one but I realize this will happen every year.

Grad school starts Tuesday so I will be very busy. I am going to have to learn to run on less sleep and to try to fit in working out whenever I can get a chance. I also am starting training to work as a receptionist for Weight Watchers on Thursday night so all in all it is going to be a very busy upcoming week!

A Successful First Day

2007-08-20T18:45:00.000-05:00

Today was my first day with students and it seemed to go really well. I did learn a lot about my students today the main thing that sticks out in my mind is their lack of writing skills. I gave a writing preassessment today to see where they are and they just don't have it at all. We will get there though. We are using a new writing program that I think I can really get on board with and like a lot.

Today was also VERY long. Dismissal took 2 HOURS. The way the school is set up cars and the buses come down the same way. Well this path is very narrow so the buses were having lots of trouble getting through so it definitely took a while. Hopefully we can resolve some of that for tomorrow.

I am exhausted. Getting back to work is some what of a shock to the body. I am sure it will get easier with each passing day!

Even more trainings

2007-08-14T18:40:00.000-05:00

So I am in my second week of trainings and am learning a good amount. I feel like for a lot of the trainings though you really need to get in there and try the things out before you will know exactly what your questions are. In two days from now, I know my brain will be on overload and I won't remeber anything I have learned this week.

So far my class is sitting at under 18 students. I am hoping that it stays this way. Last year I had 22 and that is a lot of little ones. Although it doesn't sound like a huge difference, just 4 children can make a huge difference in your plans and the time you have. I got a class list today and I will probably get 4 more before school starts but that is just kind of the way the public school system is.

I am ready to get in and meet my students. This week we have orientation where I will get to meet at least some of my class and I am definitely looking forward to that.

Lots of Trainings

2007-08-10T19:27:00.001-05:00

So this week, I went to a ton of trainings starting off the new school year. One I had been to before and another one I had heard a lot about but had never been trained on them. This one was thinking maps. Thinking maps like to claim that they are not graphic organizers. For any teachers out there, what do you think? I really think that a thinking map is essential a graphic organizer. That is just my feeling.

I have another week of training coming up and then I get the little ones on the 20th and am very excited. So far my class is at 17 and that sounds great to me. I am ready to get my kids and dive into the school year. Being a new school, I have so many materials that I never had last year. I was an extra class last year in my grade level that they had never had so I was lacking in a ton of the materials that everyone else had. I was so excited to see all the materials and cannot wait to get my hands on them!

On an added note, GO SAINTS!

One of the Joys of Opening a New School

2007-08-02T18:42:00.000-05:00

This year I will be working at a brand new school ... like brand new as construction is still going on. I was there today working a little in my classroom and then helping to sort textbooks. We recieved almost 20 pallets of textbooks and they all had to be sorted by grade and teacher. Some of the boxes were "grab bags" where the people who pack the boxes just throw random things together in boxes. Well I feel like I need to help out in this process because the only other thing I could be doing right now would be laying on my couch. I got a big time workout today lifting 50 pound boxes of textbooks and moving them around. Now my back is killing me. I just kind of look around and say stupid things like "aren't there people in the county that do this?" And apparently that person in the AP. If the AP didn't have teacher volunteers she would be doing all this work herself. I think that really just puts a lot on the AP's shoulders. It's crazy. It also it good to help out because then administration will have a good warm fuzzy feeling about you since you were there helping out when you didn't have to be. Maybe this will help me out later in the year. Good karma.

Reading First and No Call, No Email

2007-07-31T17:48:00.000-05:00

So I survived my first day at the four day professional development on Reading First that I am attending. Most of the other people there had to go bc their schools are reading first schools. Mine is not but I chose to go to hopefully pick up so new things and to earn the nice stipend. Today I learned that sitting in a chair for 8 hours is more exhausting then teaching children. I also learned that I had some of my terminology confused (not terminology I would use with the students but just things that would help me sound like I actually know what I am talking about sometimes.) I haven't seen anything as of yet that I am truly excited about implementing. Hopefully that will come in the next three days.

I am so exhausted though it is ridiculous. I woke up WAY before my alarm clock today so I was up at 5:11am. I haven't seen that time in a long time and shouldn't have this morning but my body just woke up. Oh well. Early to bed tonight.

On the guy side of things, I haven't recieved a call or an email from the guy with kids. He told me he was interested but from the lack of communication all I see in major disintrest. Life goes on. Since I do the internet dating thing (I realize how this sounds but I have trouble meeting people) I decided to make a goal for myself of emailing two new people a day and see if anything pans out. I will let you know how that goes!

Skinny Women are Evil by Mo'Nique

2007-07-31T05:39:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading the book "Skinny Women are Evil" by Mo'Nique (from The Parkers and my fav Charm School.) It was a funny read. It was semi autobiographical with funny antecdotes about why it is okay to be F.A.T (Fabulous and Thick) and why skinny evil ones are the way they are. I found it funny and the antedotes cracked me up. She dicusses her fitness tries, diet attempts, traveling issues, and shopping issues.

It was a quick read and I liked it although I couldn't buy all the things she said about why its good to be fabulous and thick. I was fat (fat that is not fabulous and thick) and worked my butt off to be skinny and wouldn't go back for anything. I am glad though that there is an uplifting funny read with things everyone can relate to.

Trying to figure out the male species

2007-07-30T21:10:00.001-05:00

So ... men. Trying to meet someone when you feel like you are getting to an age where it feels like it ain't happening (hence quater-life crisis.) The newest guy in life is nice and everything but he doesn't fit my checklist - yeah I know I can't believe I have a little checklist (in my brain not actually on paper) but I do. But I talked to him (typed to him) last night and he said he would call today and we could go to the batting cages (I am somewhat not athletic but think I could be after all these workouts.) Well did he call or even a simple email. NO!!! Why would he do what he say he would? That would make too much damn sense. I just don't understand. He is older than I am (by more than a decade) and I thought older men were suppose to be more responsible. I suppose not. I mean I guess something better probably came around so he went for that. Whatever. I just don't get it and think I never will. I am not really a relationship person. My longest relationship has only been 5 months. I was also discussing with a friend today how I have never really been in love or loved another (besides family and friendship stuff.) Maybe I just don't have enough experience dating (relatively zero) to know what is going on. I guess I could email him but I don't want to seem desperate or anything and I am not even sure if I am that into him. Oh well, we shall see where this leads.

I can't believe I just sat through that ...

2007-07-30T16:59:00.001-05:00

The dumbest movie ever. Napoleon Dynamite. I just didn't get it. I have heard it was funny. I didn't really think so I was just like what the hell the whole time. I have owned the movie for over two years and since I had nothing else to do today I decided to watch it ... so dumb. What do people like about this movie?

Last Day of Summer

2007-07-29T20:13:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is my last day of summer unfortunately. I have been wrestling with this fact in my head. I signed up to go to an optional 4 day professional development that starts on Tuesday and goes all day long. It's on reading and I could use more tips and strategies to teach reading. It also offers a stipend and I could definitely use that as well. I am going to go I just hate that my summer has flown by as it seems even though it has been longer than my other summers. Since I taught summer school for half of June and went home for a week in July it really cut down on my sitting around time. After this professional development, I start at school trainings. I start a week earlier than everyone else because I am going to a brand new school. So it will be cool.

Right now, I am having to talk to my dad and hear about his date today. How is it that my dad is dating and I am not? It is crazy.

I can do push ups ... and waiting to get into my classroom

2007-07-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

So Wednesday at the gym I discovered I can do pushups. I had watched Shaq's Big Challenge the night before and saw those kids do pushups so I decided to try the normal kind up on your toes. I am happy to say I can now do push ups and am super proud of myself. Skipped the gym today on purpose because I had worked out the four prior days and then will go back tomorrow.

On to waiting to get into my classroom. I am going to a brand new school this year so we are waiting for the buildings to be ready. I am suppose to be able to get in sometime next week but I am also in professional development next week so I am not exactly sure when I am going to get to move in. I have to go back to work the Monday after the professional development so the next few weeks are going to be a whirl wind of activity. I need to write down some things on my calendar.

Skinny Bitch

2007-07-25T18:01:00.000-05:00

My friend brought me this book to read. Her mother got it for her and Victoria Beckham (Sp?) was seen reading it. Hated it. Talked all about how you should eat vegan and everything should be organic. Everything according to them is bad for you. If only they could see what I eat. The language is in this book is somewhat harsh as well. F this and f that yadda yadda. Its a little much if you ask me. I think people who were thinking about going vegan would find this book helpful but I definitely do not see if causing a revolution.

My Direction in Life

2007-07-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

I have been really confused lately and have been feeling really trapped. I want to do something else with my life besides teach but I am not exactly sure what. I am starting a master's program in social work in the fall but am not sure that is the path I want to take. I am so confused. I have so many things I want to do in my head but don't know how to get there. My master's program is also stressing my out because normally I go home for a week at Thanksgiving but I am not sure I am going to be able to do that this fall. My university is out only on Thursday and Friday and my classes are on Tuesday and Wednesday. Maybe they would get cancelled but that is really stressing me out now because if I don't go home for Thanksgiving I wouldn't get to go home until the end of Decemeber for Christmas and that seems far away. I guess we shall see. Any ideas of what I should do with my life????

Young and Fun

2007-07-21T18:06:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am not having enough fun like I should be having given my young age and single status. I think I should be going out more and trying to meet new people and do different things. Sometimes I think I should be back at home because I know a lot more people where I am from and a lot of them would be willing to do a lot of things that I don't do here because i don't have anyone to go and do them with. I want to be young and fun!

Wearing Jeans on Fridays while teaching and other randoms from my day

2007-07-19T21:07:00.000-05:00

So today I went to a meeting at work to discuss different arising things that happen when you are opening a new school. Jeans. I love wearing jeans on Friday to work ... it makes me feel like it is truly Friday. I work at an elementary school so I never thought it made me look unprofessional to the students. So up came the topic of paying a dollar every Friday to wear jeans to establish a faculty fund (in addition to paying the $20 for the year to have parties and stuff.) This aggrevated me so I said something. I thought it was crazy and so did someone else at the table but she isn't as outspoken as I am. In the end, the principal decided that we should only wear jeans once a month and will probably have to pay a dollar. I understand that I guess. For a long time this particular principal was a stickler about pantyhouse and closed toe shoes but she has definitely laxed on that. We can even wear nice looking bermudas (I know what this means but I am sure others do not.) So I am happy that she has relaxed a little one that and maybe the jean thing is just to much for her to take in a year. I understand. But as far as I am concerned khakis and jeans are on the same level. My mother disagrees but I will hold adamatly to this belief. Could someone nominate me for What Not to Wear so I could buy some amazing clothes (I have nice clothes but I lose weight pretty often because I am in a losing pattern and I need better fitting clothes ... I love my clothes FYI.) Ah such is life and I will get over it.

Tomorrow night on the agenda is to learn how to iron while drinking Sangria. Sounds like a plan to me lol. I bought an iron and board today and have never ironed so my friend agreed to teach me how tomorrow night. Then we will meet up with her boyfriend and some fellow umpires (who knows who will show up) so that could be interesting. We shall see.

Step Dad

2007-07-18T18:08:00.000-05:00

So today I went to school and helped unpack lots of pallets of supplies (not the most fun in the world and my body is paying for it now.) Anyway ... the title of this post will make sense I swear. I was talking to the two other girls that were also unpacking and we were talking about why we were there and most of the reasons had to do with needing days off when school started. I talked about how I needed a Friday off in Septemeber because my mom and my step dad (makes sense now doesn't it) are coming to visit. So I have decided to people that don't know me and that I am just meeting I will from now on refer to my mom's boyfriend as my step dad. They will be married eventually anyway and it is just easier to say step dad than boyfriend (mom's boyfriend sounds really funny to me.) Oh well.

MY ARMS HURT. After a long day of picking up too many boxes, I decided to be glutton for punishment and go to the gym for my body pump class (it is a weight lifting class and if your gym offers it, I highly recommend it.) So now I am in even more pain and I can't tell how many calories I have eaten today because I went and had sushi so of course my weight went up because of the soy sauce but that is driving me a little nuts. I am too much of a control freak about my weight to just eat anything without knowing the caloric content.

Anyway ... I am going to go finish watching Shaq's Big Challange (I think that is the name.) Love it and next year I am going to make sure I stretch in my classroom and make sure my kids are super active so I do not encourage childhood obesity.

Getting back in the swing of things

2007-07-17T19:36:00.001-05:00

So I finally went back to the gym today. Thank goodness. Just trying to get back into a normal routine which is difficult because it is summer and being a teacher I don't work during the summer. I am still emotionally zapped though. Like you wouldn't even believe. I started tanning today to get bronzed! Yeah for planet beach here!

Feeling Alone

2007-07-16T20:25:00.000-05:00

So ever since I haven't gotten back (it hasn't even been 48 hours yet) I am feeling extremley alone. I had gotten used to it but then I went back to my hometown and was constantly surronded by people so it is a harsh reality to come back to not having a lot of people around all the time. I feel a strange sort of disconnect from the world outside. It sucks.

Back

2007-07-16T16:14:00.001-05:00

So I have been back for a little over 24 hours now and it has been a whirlwind since I have been back. My car was broken down when I got back so I had to deal with that and then I was kind of sad to be gone from home even though the trip was somewhat stressful.

I ended up going to the wake and was glad I did. I felt like I got to offer some support to one of his closest friends that I know so that was good.

My trip otherwise is somewhat of a blur. Always out and about and around doing something. I met my mom's boyfriend and he is a very nice man. It was just a little strange.

My sleeping schedule is way messed up and I want to get to the gym but am exhausted lately even though I took a 4 hour nap today. We shall see how it goes.

Going home

2007-07-05T20:14:00.000-05:00

Ahhh ... so in about 48 hours I will be back in NOLA for the first time in 6 months. It is a completely different situation from the last time that I went there as now my mother lives uptown with her boyfriend/fiance and my dad lives in the house I grew up in. I am sure this trip will leave some memorable stories. I was talking about divorcing parents today at work with the other teachers and it actually seemed common that people's parents get divorced when you are older. One of the teacher's got divorced when her son was 30 and some other teachers were talking about when their friend's parents got divorced when they were older. It is a definite strange situation though got to tell you that.

I talked with some of my sorority sisters and we have decided to go to the wake on Saturday as we thought it would be a good idea to pay our respects and support his close friends that we know. We decided not to stay for the service as we didn't feel like we knew him well enough to do that. Wakes make me nervous.

On another note, tomorrow is my last day of teaching summer school. 70% of my kids have passed the test to allow them to go on to the next grade so I am happy about that. They took the test on Tuesday and then we had no school Wednesday and then we had today and tomorrow. Today was a waste of time. We watched Cars and Hercules and had VERY exteneded reccesses. Tomorrow we will watch Shrek 2 and have a sort of celebration for the end of summer school. I am glad I was only there for two and a half weeks. I don't know that I could have done it all 5 weeks. It is a whole day thing so it wears on you especially with some of the behavior problems I have in my class. We were told that behavior problems would not be tolerated when we were hired ... this is in fact false. Oh well. At least I made some extra cash. That is always a good thing!

How do you know ...

2007-07-03T22:18:00.000-05:00

How do you know when it is appropriate for yourself to go to someone's funeral? How well do you have to know someone for yourself to go and for it not to offend people and for them to be like "why is she here?"

The funeral service for this guy I knew happens to be on Saturday when I fly in. I knew him not the well. We hung out a few times and I talked to him not many times in the past few years up until about a week ago. Should I go to his funeral? I know funerals are really more for the people that are the person's friends like to give them closer and stuff so should I go? I mean I don't want to offend people by them thinking that I didn't know him well enough to go. I am confused.

Feeling guilty

2007-07-01T16:48:00.001-05:00

So I am feeling guilty about being sad because he died. I mean I knew him and everything but we were never close or anything. I feel extremley guilty for feeling sad because I barely knew him it feels like. I feel super bad for his close close friends. I don't know I keep getting the chills and it makes me feel even more guilty.

RIP Marc

2007-07-01T09:40:00.001-05:00

So a guy that I knew back at home and had just talked to for the first time in a couple of years apparently committed suicide. This was the guy I had plans to hang out with. RIP Marc.

Awesome Shoes and other randomness

2007-06-30T22:04:00.000-05:00

I went shopping today and bought these awesome shoes. I love them! I also got some other clothes from a great store that I have never heard of called Windsor Fashions. They rock! I am so excited about going home and seeing my friends and people I haven't seen in a while.

In other news, I haven't heard back from the guy that I am suppose to get together with when I am at home. I myspaced messaged him last night and he hasn't responded but it doesn't look like he he has signed in. I texted him phone (some friends and I were enjoying wine and it seemed like a damn good idea although maybe not) and he didn't respond so I don't think I will be meeting up with him on my trip.

Guys and summer school

2007-06-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

So I feel like I have been single for long enough. You know what I mean? I have lost 85lbs in the past year and a half and have been working on myself and have become a much better person and I feel like I actually deserve a cool person in my life. I am a little freaked out about meeting up with this guy at home when I go. I mean I don't know. I don't even know what we would chat about and uncomfortable silences are well uncomfortable. I guess I will need to see where my life is leading me when I arrive there.

Only 5 more days of teaching summer school. Thank goodness. Teaching summer school is more tiring then the normal school year. I feel like I lack a lot of support in summer school. Today my director told me that my "frequent bathroom breaks" were bad for my students. I go to the bathroom twice when I am not on break. Once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Really I understand that kids are the focus, but I am in fact a person too. 5 more days. That is my mantra.

Random Story ... I felt like typing it okay?

2007-06-26T20:33:00.000-05:00

So a few years ago when I was in a sorority and weighed about 80lbs more then I do now I had a crush on a guy who was a few years older than I was. We hung out a couple of times but he never really paid me a bit of attention. So it March I decide to add him on the myspace friends list and he messaged me and was like who is this and i told him and he was like oh its too bad you don't still live here bc we could hang out (really easy to say to someone that lives 600 miles away.)

Fast forward to last night ... I had a dream and he was in it. So I decided to post a bulletin on myspace that went to all my friends saying I was coming home in a couple of weeks. So I get home from the gym and he has messaged me saying we should hang out when I am there if I have time. So I message him back and say that would be cool and gave him my AIM name for if he wanted to im me. He did and we talked for a few minutes and I gave him my number and I gave him mine. And so now we might hang out when I go home in a few weeks. RANDOM!! And now I am feeling all giddy inside even though I feel like someone is playing a HUGE joke on me. We shall see.

Newbery Challange #2

2007-06-25T18:10:00.000-05:00

So last night in about an hour I knocked out my second book for the Newbery Challange. I read "Number the Stars" by Lois Lowry. I read this book when I was in either 5th or 6th grade. I love this book. I think it helps to make the history of the Holocost more real to children because it puts in into the perspective of children their own age. I like how Lowry discusses in her afterword how she actually based some of the characters on real people from history. I think it shows children how they can stand up for what they believe in and how even though they may be young, they can still help to protect themselves and others.

Summer School and Weight Watchers

2007-06-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

So today around 4, I found out that I will be teaching summer school for students who didn't pass out state test. I was originally suppose to do it from the beginning (it started June 4th) but they didn't have enough kids. Well, one of the teachers I know had to quit so they called me and asked me if I wanted to do so I will be starting tomorrow bright and early. I kind of want to do it and kinda of don't. I guess I need the money though.

I talked to my dad earlier and he went to his first weight watchers meeting so that is good for his health. Of course now he wants to ask me millions of questions about it. Oh well, I guess it will help keep us close. And if weight watchers works for my dad, ANYONE can do it!

Stress

2007-06-17T20:35:00.000-05:00

So today has been a little crazy. Last night I went into Orlando and hung out with one of my sorority sisters who was in for a conference so that was cool. I got home early this morning and then tonight I talked to my dad again today and that caused some stress. He was saying things like he thinks my mom doesn't want my sister to live with her because she wants her freedom yadda yadda. I know this isn't true. They are going to a lawyer on Tuesday to see if they can work out things with one lawyer for cost purposes. My friend who i hung out with last night is an attorney so I was talking to her about that situation and asking lots of questions. She said people who get divorced normally only use the same lawyer in about 2% of cases and that she hoped it worked out for them but it probably wouldn't. I am just going a little crazy because I will be there in July and I think my dad thinks that he has me in his pocket so to speak and that I will always be at his house and we will be hanging out the whole time. This is not true. I want to spend time with my mom and my friends as well. I am just not sure how to break this to him. I think it might be best to wait until I got there until I deal with it. My mom said she would talk to him about it but I don't really want that because I don't want him to feel like he has lost his family all together and then maybe he would build a wall towards me because I didn't want to stay with him the whole time. Holidays are going to be hell this year.

Late night

2007-06-14T22:54:00.000-05:00

So I was in bed reading and got a call from my friend asking if I wanted to meet for a drink. So I got out of bed and went to applebees in basically my pjs which consist of gym shorts and a tshirt. I didn't have a drink but I did have an okay ww shrimp skewer salad. The shrimp were actually pretty good. Now I am really awake because I just drank to huge diet cokes. Tomorrow I think I might work out but who knows. I already worked out four times this week and will work out Saturday so I am thinking of giving my body a rest. We shall see.

I just finished reading a book called Tubby Meets Katrina by Tony Dunbar. Good book. Fiction actually. My mom turned me on to it and it is a book about the whole storm and how a character dealt with it while being a mystery novel at the same time. Pretty good. Now I am on to another James Patterson which I am going to go read now.

Random Jealousy

2007-06-13T22:52:00.000-05:00

So I am now feeling jealous of my sister Mallory. For the first time tonight she will be sleeping at my mother's residence. So formal sounding I know. I am jealous because I don't get to be around and see how my mother and her boyfriend (WEIRD) are together and I don't get to she her truely happy. I talk to her everyday but I want to be able to hang out with her again because she really is one of my closest friends. Is this normal? I just have this strange feeling of disconnect that I come upon every few days. I feel disconnected from my family and my former life back in NOLA. I wish I could go home sooner but no such luck.

Dad

2007-06-13T20:51:00.000-05:00

Talking to my dad is becoming a chore. I don't like to do it and I think it makes my blood pressure rise. He has good and bad days going through all this stuff and today was a not so good day. My sister is sleeping at my mom's tonight but she didn't know how to tell my dad and ended up lying and saying that she was sleeping at a friends. It is just a very delicate situation. My dad and I have nothing in common and he never really asks what I am up to so I just kind offer it up. I get so worried about things. Then my aunt (my dad's sis who is a nun) calls me and reminds me that Sunday is Father's Day. Really no shit. I am 25 years old and happen to be very aware of such holidays. Also she tells me that she is going out of town so I might need to call my dad more. I call him three times a day ... I am not sure what more I can do. I am trying.

How you know you do not need therapy ...

2007-06-12T18:35:00.000-05:00

1. You analyze yourself better then this therapist/counselor ever could.

2. You find what you thought to be your problem so boring to this person that they dig back.

3. You are pissed the entire time you are there because you feel like you have friends that could do a better job for free.

That is all.

Step Dads and Different Last Names

2007-06-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

If ten years ago or even three years ago you asked me if I ever thought that at 25 I would be getting a step dad soon enough I would have told you that I thought you were crazy. But it is indeed happening. I guess I always thought that after you moved away and stuff your parents would be together forever. I was wrong. My mom seems really happy lately and I am very glad for her. There is talk of a small wedding (one I would not be a part of due to so many issues of who to invite and who not to invite) and then I would have a step dad. A step dad who I have been told wants to be my friend. Hey I am open to that. I would be happy to have yet another positive role model in my life (not that having an affair is a great thing but to help show me how marriage can be) would be great. Talking to my dad dad I have realized that his view of marriage was always extremley skewed and he thought just being faithful and bringing home a pay check was enough to sustain a marriage. It is in fact not. I always thought i would never wait on someone the way my mom waited on my dad. I thought there should always be an equal share in marriage and that the person you marry would be one who you wanted to spend most of your time with. I do hope marriage happens for me.

On to different last names. I was talking to my mom about if she would change her last name when she got remarried and she will in fact do this. It is kinda sad to have a different last name from my mom as I had discussed with someone else earlier this weekend. But then my mom brought up the point, that hopefully eventually I will in fact have a different last name when I get married. Didn't think of it that way.

Breach of Faith

2007-06-10T15:05:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading Breach of Faith by Jed Horne that was about Katrina. It was a good book. I had read the Great Deluge last year and the books are pretty much the same. I think it is vry interesting to read about the different events that took place and reading different peoples' opinions as to why it ended up being such a disaster. It was good and I would recommend it.

Saturday

2007-06-09T20:08:00.000-05:00

So being off of work makes the weekends pretty uneventful. Just kind of laying around. Went to a interview for weight watchers to be a receptionist at the meetings. It went pretty well and it is something that I would really like to do. I really believe in the program and it helped me so I guess the best thing would be to work for them.

Otherwise today I have just been reading a good book about Katrina called Breach of Faith by Jed Horne. Very interesting as well as very long. I have rediscovered the library as I often do during the summer. I don't have any extra funds to buy books so the next best thing is to go to the library.

I have been talking to my mom a lot and am looking forward to seeing her new house and meeting her boyfriend (I have met him before but don't really remember.) Soon enough ... probably early next year, he will become my step dad. Strange. Then I will have a step brother and sister. Also, strange.

I have decided ... probably, unless another hurricane hits New Orleans, that i will probably move back there after I have completed my master's program in three years. I just feel like if I have kids and stuff I want them to know my family. People always ask me if I have family here and then seem to find it strange that I live here without any family but I don't find it that abnormal. But to paraphrase Chris Rose, she is a New Orleans girl and even if they live away, they always come back.

Back by myself

2007-06-07T18:34:00.000-05:00

So my sister was here Monday through today and it was a fun time. We went to Universal in Orlando and Busch Gardens in Tampa. We had a good time and it was good to hang out with someone who knew what I was going through.

I have been feeling okay about everything. I am going home in a month and am stressed about that a little.

Stress

2007-06-04T06:06:00.000-05:00

My sister is coming in this morning. It is only 6am and I am already awake. I didn't sleep very well last night and then I was talking to her already because she called and she is very stressed out and sick to her stomach. I think she is nervous about flying. I don't know how often she has actually flown by herself. I am now feeling somewhat sick as well. I guess sympathy sickness. I am not sure. I am happy to she my sister and we will be able to talk and kind of wrap our brains around all that is going on. I am very happy to see her. In about an hour I will be leaving to go to the airport at about the same time her plane takes off. Random how long it takes to get to the airport when you live in the middle of nowhere.

Everyday is different

2007-05-31T20:15:00.000-05:00

So going through all of this with my parents divorcing and all, I wake up in a different mood everyday. Yesterday, I woke up severly pissed off at my mom and really wouldn't talk to her throughout the day. My friends have been great though. One of them made me go out and we got pedicures and went shopping and stuff so that really helped me get my mind off of everything. I bought a couple of books to read to try to keep my mind off of things which is also helping. My mom and her boyfriend are thinking about coming to visit in October which could be cool. No one has ever come to visit me here (besides my bff, you're the best Chris!) and I would like my mom to see how I am living here and stuff. Show her the places I frequent etc. My dad was in a better mood so that helped to. And then he talked about how eventually he would like to start dating. Whoa! Crazy. I guess its strange being 25 and having your parents seperate. I guess its easier in some ways and harder in others that being younger. I just don't know. Parents dating freaks me out lol. But I guess I will get used to it in time. We shall see!

Disconnected

2007-05-29T22:27:00.000-05:00

With all of this going on at home (in Nola) and being 600 miles away, I am feeling an extreme feeling of disconnect. I have always kind of felt disconnected but it is even more prevelant to me now. I just wonder and I doing the right thing my living so far away from my family. Is it crazy that I moved so far away? I feel really lost right now. I do pretty good during the day but at night it starts getting a little rough and very confusing. I was looking at nola.com and I was reminded that hurricane season started soon. Well, my mom has always been the one to drive when we had to evacuate and stuff. I normally made the hotel reservations because I go crazy during hurricane season. Who is going to take my dad? I mean I know he can drive and everything but he was never really one that wanted to evacuate. What happens when another storm has New Orleans in its sights? People keep telling me that I don't need to take care of my dad but I kind of feel like I do, its strange.

I also feel like I am burdening my friends with always talking about this whole situation that is going on right now. I mean how long can they listen to me analyze the situation. I try my best to ask and see what they are up to but I will realize I won't even remember what they said because my brain is off somewhere else thinking about home.

I feel like I am going to lose my mom. She is someone who I talk to all the time and many many times a day. I feel like now because she will be happier with her love life she won't want to talk to me as much. She says this is not the case but what happens in a few months? I mean I live here ... out of sight out of mind? Maybe we are so close because she was unhappy in her marriage.

I have never felt more like a kid then in these past few days. It is disturbing.

Another Day in a Long Journey

2007-05-27T22:28:00.000-05:00

Day three - I have been pretty good all day. On the phone constantly, I have had to charge my cell phone twice today (thank goodness for night and weekend minutes.) My sister is coming to stay with me next week for about four days so that will be good. I got to talk to my mom today for an extended period of time and it felt good and she does seem happy. I feel like I should be madder at her and just don't feel it. Talking to my dad is very taxing. He is so upset and angry and he says things that he shouldn't say to children (even at 25 I am still his kid) and it is hard. I held it together wonderfully today until about 10:40 tonight. After I talked to him, I just had a breakdown because it is so hard to talk to him. He talks about how my sister and him are on his side (which we are not, we are trying our damndest not to chose) and he ask me questions that i don't want to answer so I have to lie and say I have no idea and its hard. I am exhausted and can't sleep.

It's hard being 900 miles away while all of this is going on. I don't have a strong support system here (my friends are great but we all have our own things going on.)

I looked up therapist tonight because I think I need to go speak to someone. Just to vent it out to someone who knows nothing about the situation.