New Idea

I am trying to go home today as opposed to on Wednesday. The quitting smoking is hitting me hard today and it is nasty and rainy and dreary outside and I don't have crap to do and I am going a little crazy. Trying to see if I can get people to cover my meetings for tomorrow, Monday, and Tuesday. Will update.

Victory

So I drove in my car for many many hours today and managed not to smoke a cigarette so that is good. I am drinking some wine now so that will be another test. I don't really even want a cigarette anymore so I am good.

I am going home to visit in less than a week! I am so excited to see my family and friends and be around people. It shall be great.

Day four and the test

So it is day 4 of no smoking and I am still doing pretty well. Except last night and today I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and that is not real cool. It is directly related to the smoking because nothing else is going on in my life that I really would cry about.

Today will be a rough one. I have my meeting that is an hour and a half drive from here. I haven't had to drive that far without a cigarette yet. And I really hate driving which doesn't help the whole situation.

In other news, my mom got married yesterday. So now I have a step daddy. Kind of strange but happy for them :)

Level of Importance

It is always so strange how wrong I am. Like I can't read people for shit. I think I am important to someone and then they don't call or get in touch with me and I realize that I am not. Whoops. Wish I wsn't wrong all the time.

Stressing

So I really really really want a cigarette right now. And that really sucks. I am just trying to hold it all together and not give in. We shall see how that works. I tried to take a nap today and couldn't even sleep through that so I am hoping I can sleep tonight. I am getting really cranky since I can't sleep lately. It annoys the crap out of me. I don't know how long that will last for.

Day 3

Just woke up recently and don't even want a cigarette. Of course I barely slept last night. I think it is some strange reaction to the lack of nicotenne so now I can't sleep. I am feeling pretty good today though. A small headache. Off to the gym and then back for a nap since I didn't really get to sleep last night.

Almost 48 hours

It is hard right now. I really really want a cigarette. I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing this. For health, to be a good example, so other people don't think I am gross, money saving, etc etc. It is hard though. How long will these feelings last? The hardest part is when I go home and we go out drinking. That will be a real rough time. AHHH. Hopefully I will sleep tonight and tomorrow will be easier.

How long do the cravings last?

How many days am I going to have to deal with these cravings? It sucks. But I know I can make it and not smoke anymore. Any helpful tips?

My goal is to quit smoking while actually losing 5 pounds instead of gaining. We shall see how that goes.

Day 2 of quitting

I barely slept last night. I kept waking up and it definitely was not fun. Still haven't had a cigarette though. I have a really bad headache right now though and I wonder if that is from nicotene withdrawls. I am not really sure. I am just going to try to keep myself busy. I am going to start the day by going to the gym and then I have two meetings later tonight so we shall see how everything goes.

Sad but Accomplished

So I have gone 24 hours without a cigarette. Is every day going to be this hard? It hasn't been the worst day or anything but it certainly hasn't been easy. When does it get easier? I only wish I could find out. Everyone says different things so I am not exactly sure.

Sad today because I realized that some things are just not meant to work out. No matter how much you want them to, they are doomed from the start. I have that horrible punched in the gut feeling all of a sudden.

And now I am crying. Nice. Laughing and crying all at the same time. I feel screwed. I don't know. AHHHHH. You know some people may just be meant to be single smokers forever. Who knows.

Hour 22

Still no cigarette. I feel like I am in the middle of a mild panic attack though so its not so much fun. I am trying to read and just take a deep breath and calm down. Hopefully the first day is harder than the next.

Hour 15

It has been 15 hours since I ripped up my cigarettes. For a good portion of these 15 hours I was sleeping but now I am awake and bouncing around trying to find something to do to control myself. I went to the gym about two hours after waking up and then went to the drugstore for some sour patch kids to eat instead of smoking. I am now reading a book. I have a meeting to go to in two hours so at least that will be less time at home.

Which day is harder when quitting smoking? Is the first day the hardest or not?

Day one

I just ripped up eleven cigarttes. No more in the house. Lighter put away because I am scared to throw it is the trash because I am scared to start a fire. Ahh we shall see how this goes.

Quitting Smoking ... yet again

So I am going to quit smoking tomorrow am. I was going to let myself finish all the cigarettes I have but I am not any longer. I can no longer afford to smoke and quite frankly, I really want to be healthier. I want to be able to run without having to quit and walk because i am breathing to heavy. I worked to hard to lose all this weight to continue to smoke.

Last year around this time I tried to quit (it lasted all of 6 hours.) Then my mom decided to leave my dad so I decided the timing probably wasn't right.

Now it feels like no time is better than now. No stress of work or anything else. So hopefully this will be my last day as a smoker.

I am lame

It is Friday night, well Saturday morning ... whatever ... and I am home alone. And you know what that sucks. I don't have a life here in Lakeland except for work and working out. I think I need to seriously consider going back to New Orleans sooner than later. I am not sure how healthy this is.

I have been trying to beat my two year time limit. I survived at Ole Miss for only two years. Then I moved back to NOLA and lived in an apartment for a year and a half before moving back with my parents. I feel like I can't make it on my own. I really need to be surronded by friends and family and right now I am not.

I have been drinking too much. A few years back, I had a serious problem with alcohol (ie drinking a liter and a half of wine everyday by myself) and I am finiding myself drinking more. Not every night but more than I have in the past two years. No more box wine.

There is really nothing here for me. I just don't know what to do. I am lost.

Missing Someone

i hate missing people. I miss someone a lot but I can't see them. I hate not being able to see them. How are you really suppose to get to know someone when you can't even be around them. I wish the situation was different but i guess it is what it is and i hope that something comes out of it but I don't see how it can happen.

Good Day

So I had a great day today even though I must have been in my car for almost 4 hours. I got to talk for a long time to my mom and she talked about how much she appreciated me. A year ago my mom left my dad for someone else. She and her boyfriend are getting married next week. My sister and I adjusted to this change well. It didn't affect me as much as it did my sister as she still lives at home. His kids are being ridiculous about the whole thing. They don't understand why he has to get remarried yadda yadda yadda. Oh and they already have families of their own and are older than I by at least 10 years. Its like get over it. Yeah its rough to have your parents divorce but by the time you are an adult it doesn't really affect you all that much anymore. The man my mom is marrying is a great man and I am starting to see how great a marriage can really be. I didn't have a great example growing up and my mom blames herself for it. It's not her fault and I will be fine. It's good to know that I am appreciated.

Being Spotted

I always knew it would happen eventually. I was spotted by a WW member who was in my meeting last Monday. I am in the Yankee Candle store in the mall wanting to get a candle. Of course I ask the randomest questions so I ask if there is a candle that smells like a man. Or I guess I should say how a man should smell if he was wearing cologne. So I get my candle that smells like a man ... called Midsummers Night .... and I am checking out. The girl asks me how many meetings I do a week. I look around confused momentairly and then realize she is asking about WW. So we chat about that a little bit.

It makes me feel bad when I don't recognize my members in a place that is out of the normal context. I must have over 200 members so of course I can't remember them all and this particular member had only been in my meeting once so I guess I shouldn't feel that bad.

And it's always better to be spotted by a member than a student. Hearing my teacher name yelled across a room also freaks me out.

Lonely Sunday Night

Veyr lonely on this Sunday night. Haven't really done a lot today. Don't have a lot to do tomorrow. Being off of work is cool it is just a time to recoup and everything but it makes me somewhat lonely. It makes me realize how much i don't really have here in Lakeland. I really don't have much of a reason to be here. I am staying to start and finish my second year of teaching at the same school but other than that I really have no connection to here. I wish I had a connection to here but I really just don't.

I am not really sure what I should be doing or where my life is taking me to. I don't know what the hell is going on.

Boring Saturday Night

Saturday nights have gotten a lot less exciting. I am home washing clothes, making a meatloaf for the freezer, and having a glass of good old box wine. I worked three meetings this morning so I am just kind of tired. I have no real motivation to do anything. Oh well, at least tomorrow is only one meeting. And I actually went to the grocery today so I won't have to do that tomorrow which is good.

Crazy Long Day

I drove over 150 miles today. I hate driving. I had to do three meetings for weight watchers and I was going crazy. I am starting a new meeting at a phosphate plant and 3/4 of the group is men. Kinda of strange. I have never had that many men in a group before. I will probably have to tweak my meetings so it is valuable for them. Lots of beer bellies. LOL.

I am just tired and want to sleep a whole day away but can't until Monday. Crazy times and crazy days.

Last night I barely slept at all which was not good. I ws so tired and a little bit tipsy and just couldn't sleep and kept having dreams about rats. Oh well. Such is life.

Hurts

It hurts when you like someone that is so far away and you can't see them. It feels like I have been punched in the gut. It also hurts to like someone more than than like you.

Goal - Not to kill children

TWO MORE DAYS!!! Only two more days with students and I am not sure how I am going to make it. Right now I am in denial that I even have to go to work tomorrow so that isn't really working to my advantage. I would rather sit home and read a book or something but I guess it's only two more days with students so I could survive.

I am ready for summer!!!!!!!!!!!

FYI Men are confusing as all crap