Learning about me

So I have been I guess on this journey of self discovery lately. Trying to get my life in order and really be an adult. Well last night I discovered that I shouldn't in fact drink. Ever. I hadn't be drinking for a month because someone issued me a challenge and I had been doing awesome. I was able to go out and enjoy myself just by drinking diet coke etc. But last night I got to the bar really early with a friend and just had too much to drink. I realize that it just tends to make me feel crappy about myself and want to cry. I don't want to be that. I don't want to be weak. I am a strong independent person and I am going to kick life in the ass and be a spectacular person. I just need to be with my friends and family but i control all this. It is in my control. I am going to be awesome!

How to Boost Self-Esteem

Not that I lack it in all areas of my life. There is one glaring area though that gets me in trouble all the time. I lack self-confidence around men. I never feel like I will be able to be in a relationship because I am not sure that I feel that I am actually worthy of being loved.

It is sad really. Job wise, complete confidence. I feel like I could conquer the world there. Also, I am proud of myself for making it on my own and being a pretty independent person. I just lack the confidence in relationships. I am pretty loud a lot and kind of an in your face person and I am not sure people like that. I like that about me but I think it rubs others the wrong way.

Advice? Please comment

Worrying about Ike and trying to focus on work

So it looks like we might be evacuating again next week.  This hurricane crap is ridiculous. It makes it very difficult to focus on the rest of life.

Tonight I am sitting at a coffee shop creating power points for work. I use the Saints as a way to teach geography to my kids. I saw it done when I was an undergrad and it worked beautifully. I have a large us map on the wall of my classroom and I stick a pin in NOLA and a pin in whatever city the Saints are playing in or against. I then use a string to connect the two places and mark it off with the distance. I create a short power point on the city they are playing to teach them a little geography about the place. I just created the power point for Tampa as that is who they are playing this week. Let me tell, nothing to interesting about Tampa. The next week the Saints play the Redskins so that has some more information about it. Thank goodness.

Cross your fingers for our city or pray or whatever you do. We need it.

Back Home

So I am back home and am starting to get sick. I was with my sister all week who was running fever and had a cough and now I am starting to get a sore throat which doesn't really make me happy.

New Orleans is a bit of a mess. Last night I came and checked on my apartment and didn't have power. I slept at my dads. This morning I came back and am lucky enough to have power and cable. We are supposed to go back to work on Monday and I hope we do because I am getting slight cabin fever.

I was going to go grocery shopping today as I have no food in the house. We learned from Katrina to empty out freezers/refrigerators. But they are so under staffed at this point that there was a line out the door waiting. They would only let so many people in at one time. Maybe tomorrow I will do that. Today I was just not up for it.

There are downed power lines all over and traffic lights are kinda touch and go but hopefully everyday it will get better.

All eyes are on Ike now hoping it will leave us alone. We have had about all we can handle for the next 100 years.

Ready to Go Home

I am still in Tallahassee. We are planning on leaving tomorrow (Thursday). I am ready to go now. Nagin decided to open the city basically because you have to drive through there to get anywhere else. I am just ready to go back home. I don't care if I don't have power. I am ready to go. Now.

My Hurricane Gustav Story

After being back in New Orleans around 35 days, a hurricane was coming straight for me. Great. Back to evacuating. Almost three years to the day after Katrina.

For the story ... on Saturday I evacuated to Baton rouge to stay with my sister at her dorm at LSU. After being there for about three hours, I received a call from my mother telling us we had to come back and go with them to Tallahassee because it looked like it would be bad in BR. We drove back to Nola.

On sunday morning at 4am, we left for Tallahassee. Well the state of Mississippi sucks and closed I10 going east through their state. So we had to go north. We were on I59 in MS between exits 1 - 26 for 7 hours. In all, it took us all of 20 hours to drive from NOLA to Tallahassee. It was ridiculous.

We have now been in Tallahassee for a couple of days, I am not really sure how long. I have lost all sense of time. I am ready to leave. My dad is home and his parish opens in the morning at 6am. I think I am going to leave at midnight tonight. I am here with my mom and sister, etc. My mom will not come up with a plan. That pisses me off to no end. I need a plan so I think I will be taking off by myself.

I hate Nagin. We had a Cat 2 hurricane brush by us and I can't go to my damn house. What the hell is going on. I am glad the hurricane didn't hit us directly. He is an idiot. First he called it the storm of the century and now he is telling us we are going back to primitive conditions. AHH!!! Some people in the city actually have power so what the crap is he talking about. He sucks and I want to throw things at his head.

I am ready to go home.

My Sister and other random ramblings

My sister is going through rush right now at LSU and it feels like I am going through rush.  I am in a sorority so have done it all before and wish I could be with her while she goes through it.  Keep your fingers crossed ... her tops are still in there.  School is going well.  I like my students and my coworkers (the ones I have met at least) so I am pretty happy about that.  I do miss my old coworkers though. Men.  They suck.  That is all I have to say on the subject. Oh and today i got really excited because I actually heard someone say in real life yourmommaandthem.  It made me happy. 

Exhausted

So the first two days of school have kicked my butt. Being in a different state this year makes me have to adjust my expectations. I am teaching the next grade up this year and some things they know way more than my kids last year but somethings that my kids knew by the end of last year they just seem rather lost.

I really like the new school. I am just pretty tired and the afternoon is way too long. After lunch we have three hours until dismissal. That is way too long of an afternoon especially when the kids are looking at me like they are going to die of boredom and tiredness.

I am a few kids that I am trying to pull out of their shells but havent figured it out yet. I have a little boy who is so shy he won't come out of his shell at all and I just want to try to get him to open up. He seems smart from the work I have seen him do so far I just wish he would interact with me and the other kids more. We shall see.

Need to complain less

So this year I will be working in an area that was completely demolished by the hurricane. Many of the staff and students lost their homes. They discuss how they have been living out of boxes for the past three years. I complain about being in boxes for a month. I need to learn how lucky I really am and stop complaining. These people have been through so much but continue to push on with no complaining at all. I need to be more like them.

I have returned

So I have finally returned to blog land. The move back here went well and I am getting settled in at my new school. We start Monday with students so hopefully I will be ready by then. I still don't have internet at my house but I am "borrowing" someone's wireless now.

My life is still in such a state of flux. Living with all these boxes still around and stuff. I hope to finish getting set up on the weekend. Hopefully all goes well.

Last Night In Lakeland

So this is offically my last night here in Lakeland. I will be moving on back to New Orleans tomorrow. I am very excited to be going and can't wait for the new adventures back there. I have learned a lot living here but it is time to go.

Packing

Packing is a pain. You kind of learn a lot about yourself through it though. I have been learning what is valuable and what is not. What I feel the strong need to keep and what I don't need anymore. I have so far decided that 12 sweatshirts are probably not necessary. So I am trying to condense my two years in Lakeland to a small amount of stuff and it is somewhat difficult. I am so ready to leave here and go home but I am also freaking out a little. What if home is not good either? What if it is me? You can't escape yourself and I am not sure what to do about that.

I will go resign from my current job tomorrow. That means packing up more crap. Have to pack up my classroom and get all the boxes to my apartment. It's a pain when you don't really know anyone to help you get your crap. At least at home I have people to help me unpack.

Job

I got the job I wanted today. No idea what grade level but they want me at their school and I will have a job there.

I also got an apartment. My mom went and saw it and sent me pics and I think I am going to be thrilled with it. It is right on the mardi gras parade route so that will add lots of fun!

Moving

So I have decided to leave Florida sooner than planned. I will actually be leaving before the end of the month. I can't be here any longer and not lose sanity. I will be going back home to new orleans and am very excited.

When I was home, I interviewed for two different jobs. I was offered one, a first grade position at a charter school, and the other one i should here their decision tomorrow and that is for a third grade position. ideally I would like the third grade position but we will see what happens. I am just happy I am leaving.

Scared

I have pre cancerous cells on my cervix. I am scared as all hell. I was at the doctor about a week and a half ago for a regular appointment and I just got test results today. I have to go back on Monday to get further testing. I am freaking out.

New Idea

I am trying to go home today as opposed to on Wednesday. The quitting smoking is hitting me hard today and it is nasty and rainy and dreary outside and I don't have crap to do and I am going a little crazy. Trying to see if I can get people to cover my meetings for tomorrow, Monday, and Tuesday. Will update.

Victory

So I drove in my car for many many hours today and managed not to smoke a cigarette so that is good. I am drinking some wine now so that will be another test. I don't really even want a cigarette anymore so I am good.

I am going home to visit in less than a week! I am so excited to see my family and friends and be around people. It shall be great.

Day four and the test

So it is day 4 of no smoking and I am still doing pretty well. Except last night and today I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and that is not real cool. It is directly related to the smoking because nothing else is going on in my life that I really would cry about.

Today will be a rough one. I have my meeting that is an hour and a half drive from here. I haven't had to drive that far without a cigarette yet. And I really hate driving which doesn't help the whole situation.

In other news, my mom got married yesterday. So now I have a step daddy. Kind of strange but happy for them :)

Level of Importance

It is always so strange how wrong I am. Like I can't read people for shit. I think I am important to someone and then they don't call or get in touch with me and I realize that I am not. Whoops. Wish I wsn't wrong all the time.

Stressing

So I really really really want a cigarette right now. And that really sucks. I am just trying to hold it all together and not give in. We shall see how that works. I tried to take a nap today and couldn't even sleep through that so I am hoping I can sleep tonight. I am getting really cranky since I can't sleep lately. It annoys the crap out of me. I don't know how long that will last for.

Day 3

Just woke up recently and don't even want a cigarette. Of course I barely slept last night. I think it is some strange reaction to the lack of nicotenne so now I can't sleep. I am feeling pretty good today though. A small headache. Off to the gym and then back for a nap since I didn't really get to sleep last night.

Almost 48 hours

It is hard right now. I really really want a cigarette. I have to keep reminding myself why I am doing this. For health, to be a good example, so other people don't think I am gross, money saving, etc etc. It is hard though. How long will these feelings last? The hardest part is when I go home and we go out drinking. That will be a real rough time. AHHH. Hopefully I will sleep tonight and tomorrow will be easier.

How long do the cravings last?

How many days am I going to have to deal with these cravings? It sucks. But I know I can make it and not smoke anymore. Any helpful tips?

My goal is to quit smoking while actually losing 5 pounds instead of gaining. We shall see how that goes.

Day 2 of quitting

I barely slept last night. I kept waking up and it definitely was not fun. Still haven't had a cigarette though. I have a really bad headache right now though and I wonder if that is from nicotene withdrawls. I am not really sure. I am just going to try to keep myself busy. I am going to start the day by going to the gym and then I have two meetings later tonight so we shall see how everything goes.

Sad but Accomplished

So I have gone 24 hours without a cigarette. Is every day going to be this hard? It hasn't been the worst day or anything but it certainly hasn't been easy. When does it get easier? I only wish I could find out. Everyone says different things so I am not exactly sure.

Sad today because I realized that some things are just not meant to work out. No matter how much you want them to, they are doomed from the start. I have that horrible punched in the gut feeling all of a sudden.

And now I am crying. Nice. Laughing and crying all at the same time. I feel screwed. I don't know. AHHHHH. You know some people may just be meant to be single smokers forever. Who knows.

Hour 22

Still no cigarette. I feel like I am in the middle of a mild panic attack though so its not so much fun. I am trying to read and just take a deep breath and calm down. Hopefully the first day is harder than the next.

Hour 15

It has been 15 hours since I ripped up my cigarettes. For a good portion of these 15 hours I was sleeping but now I am awake and bouncing around trying to find something to do to control myself. I went to the gym about two hours after waking up and then went to the drugstore for some sour patch kids to eat instead of smoking. I am now reading a book. I have a meeting to go to in two hours so at least that will be less time at home.

Which day is harder when quitting smoking? Is the first day the hardest or not?

Day one

I just ripped up eleven cigarttes. No more in the house. Lighter put away because I am scared to throw it is the trash because I am scared to start a fire. Ahh we shall see how this goes.

Quitting Smoking ... yet again

So I am going to quit smoking tomorrow am. I was going to let myself finish all the cigarettes I have but I am not any longer. I can no longer afford to smoke and quite frankly, I really want to be healthier. I want to be able to run without having to quit and walk because i am breathing to heavy. I worked to hard to lose all this weight to continue to smoke.

Last year around this time I tried to quit (it lasted all of 6 hours.) Then my mom decided to leave my dad so I decided the timing probably wasn't right.

Now it feels like no time is better than now. No stress of work or anything else. So hopefully this will be my last day as a smoker.

I am lame

It is Friday night, well Saturday morning ... whatever ... and I am home alone. And you know what that sucks. I don't have a life here in Lakeland except for work and working out. I think I need to seriously consider going back to New Orleans sooner than later. I am not sure how healthy this is.

I have been trying to beat my two year time limit. I survived at Ole Miss for only two years. Then I moved back to NOLA and lived in an apartment for a year and a half before moving back with my parents. I feel like I can't make it on my own. I really need to be surronded by friends and family and right now I am not.

I have been drinking too much. A few years back, I had a serious problem with alcohol (ie drinking a liter and a half of wine everyday by myself) and I am finiding myself drinking more. Not every night but more than I have in the past two years. No more box wine.

There is really nothing here for me. I just don't know what to do. I am lost.

Missing Someone

i hate missing people. I miss someone a lot but I can't see them. I hate not being able to see them. How are you really suppose to get to know someone when you can't even be around them. I wish the situation was different but i guess it is what it is and i hope that something comes out of it but I don't see how it can happen.

Good Day

So I had a great day today even though I must have been in my car for almost 4 hours. I got to talk for a long time to my mom and she talked about how much she appreciated me. A year ago my mom left my dad for someone else. She and her boyfriend are getting married next week. My sister and I adjusted to this change well. It didn't affect me as much as it did my sister as she still lives at home. His kids are being ridiculous about the whole thing. They don't understand why he has to get remarried yadda yadda yadda. Oh and they already have families of their own and are older than I by at least 10 years. Its like get over it. Yeah its rough to have your parents divorce but by the time you are an adult it doesn't really affect you all that much anymore. The man my mom is marrying is a great man and I am starting to see how great a marriage can really be. I didn't have a great example growing up and my mom blames herself for it. It's not her fault and I will be fine. It's good to know that I am appreciated.

Being Spotted

I always knew it would happen eventually. I was spotted by a WW member who was in my meeting last Monday. I am in the Yankee Candle store in the mall wanting to get a candle. Of course I ask the randomest questions so I ask if there is a candle that smells like a man. Or I guess I should say how a man should smell if he was wearing cologne. So I get my candle that smells like a man ... called Midsummers Night .... and I am checking out. The girl asks me how many meetings I do a week. I look around confused momentairly and then realize she is asking about WW. So we chat about that a little bit.

It makes me feel bad when I don't recognize my members in a place that is out of the normal context. I must have over 200 members so of course I can't remember them all and this particular member had only been in my meeting once so I guess I shouldn't feel that bad.

And it's always better to be spotted by a member than a student. Hearing my teacher name yelled across a room also freaks me out.

Lonely Sunday Night

Veyr lonely on this Sunday night. Haven't really done a lot today. Don't have a lot to do tomorrow. Being off of work is cool it is just a time to recoup and everything but it makes me somewhat lonely. It makes me realize how much i don't really have here in Lakeland. I really don't have much of a reason to be here. I am staying to start and finish my second year of teaching at the same school but other than that I really have no connection to here. I wish I had a connection to here but I really just don't.

I am not really sure what I should be doing or where my life is taking me to. I don't know what the hell is going on.

Boring Saturday Night

Saturday nights have gotten a lot less exciting. I am home washing clothes, making a meatloaf for the freezer, and having a glass of good old box wine. I worked three meetings this morning so I am just kind of tired. I have no real motivation to do anything. Oh well, at least tomorrow is only one meeting. And I actually went to the grocery today so I won't have to do that tomorrow which is good.

Crazy Long Day

I drove over 150 miles today. I hate driving. I had to do three meetings for weight watchers and I was going crazy. I am starting a new meeting at a phosphate plant and 3/4 of the group is men. Kinda of strange. I have never had that many men in a group before. I will probably have to tweak my meetings so it is valuable for them. Lots of beer bellies. LOL.

I am just tired and want to sleep a whole day away but can't until Monday. Crazy times and crazy days.

Last night I barely slept at all which was not good. I ws so tired and a little bit tipsy and just couldn't sleep and kept having dreams about rats. Oh well. Such is life.

Hurts

It hurts when you like someone that is so far away and you can't see them. It feels like I have been punched in the gut. It also hurts to like someone more than than like you.

Goal - Not to kill children

TWO MORE DAYS!!! Only two more days with students and I am not sure how I am going to make it. Right now I am in denial that I even have to go to work tomorrow so that isn't really working to my advantage. I would rather sit home and read a book or something but I guess it's only two more days with students so I could survive.

I am ready for summer!!!!!!!!!!!

FYI Men are confusing as all crap

Running in 90 degree weather

So I got really bored this evening because I haven't left my apartment at all today because there is really nothing to do here. Well around 6, I decided I was not going to be a fat ass and I was going to go running/walking. I have this strange obsession with trying to be a runner even though I don't think I will ever be because I can't get that in through your nose out through your mouth thing down. It's batty. Anyway, so I did that for about 45 minutes and it is damn hot. It is theraputic though to put on my ipod and run/walk and be away from the leash of a cell phone. I am going to get back into working out 6 days a week like I used to. I am on a mission to lose 10 pounds.

New Mantra

I refuse to base my happiness on other people's actions because I can't control other people.

Lazy Saturday

I am having a very lazy Saturday. I am not sure what to do today. I guess I could go get a pedicure or something but I am just not feeling like getting dressed. I should relish the weekend I guess and just let myself be a lazy bum. Any ideas?

Yesterday's happy hour was crazy. Got smashed with a whole bunch of other teachers and then our AP shows up. I was trying to convince her that i was responsible enough to be grade chair. We shall see if I get that now. I did get to meet a whole bunch of people from school that I have always known but never really took the chance to get to know and now I know that they are actually cool people and that I want to actually take the time to get to know them now.

Longest Day Ever

I am sitting at school at what feels like the longest day ever. We didn't have specials today so I haven't been away from the kids at all and they are all riled up because it is the end of the year. We had an awards ceremony and they did some worksheets. Now they are watching Monsters Inc. I have about an hour and thirty minutes left because I leave early today to get to my WW meeting across the county. I don't know if I am going to keep my sanity. And it is not even Friday yet. Crazy. I am just restless and ready to get out of here.

2nd movie of the day

We are now watching out 2nd movie of the day. The kids have lost their minds. They keep asking me if tomorrow is the last day of school ... it is in fact not. At least this movie has educational value. We read them The Indian in the Cupboard and are now watching the movie to compare and contrast it. Gives me some time to put things together.

I hae two weight watchers meetings tonight to lead. This is my long day. I am not to tired so I am feeling pretty good about having to work for so long.

Working ... Supposedly

So here I am at work with 15 little children around me and we are watching Hercules as opposed to doing any work. Really do I have to do this for 6 more days? I am getting a little tired of inane nonsense. I have never had to be in a school after Memorial Day and it just feels wrong.

I have figured out that even though I think I am really good at reading people and what they are thinking that I actually really suck at it. I never know what other people are thinking unless they come out and tell me and so I constantly am wondering. I hate when people just won't say what they are thinking. I probably don't as much as I should. AHHH!!!!

My students are clapping now because Hercules and the woman are kissing and now it is over. So I guess I shall go and figure out something to do.

Working ... Supposedly

So here I am at work with 15 little children around me and we are watching Hercules as opposed to doing any work. Really do I have to do this for 6 more days? I am getting a little tired of inane nonsense. I have never had to be in a school after Memorial Day and it just feels wrong.

I have figured out that even though I think I am really good at reading people and what they are thinking that I actually really suck at it. I never know what other people are thinking unless they come out and tell me and so I constantly am wondering. I hate when people just won't say what they are thinking. I probably don't as much as I should. AHHH!!!!

My students are clapping now because Hercules and the woman are kissing and now it is over. So I guess I shall go and figure out something to do.

Memorial Day

It was very nice to be off of work today and just really have nothing to do at all. I have been tired and my throat is hurting a bit so it was good to just relax. Only 6 more working days of kids and then i will be on my summer break and I am so excited. I will still be doing my meeting for weight watchers so at least I will still be making some extra money but I will be able to do nothing a lot which is nice. I am going home the last week of June and am thinking of going somewhere in July but the place is tbd.

Laziness

So I am having an extremley lazy weekend. Just hanging out and watching tv and being a bum. I have off of work Monday but actually wish I had to go so I could get rid of the kids sooner. June 3rd and they will be gone ... thank goodness for the summer. I think any job I would ever have would need to involve some extended time off just like teaching. It gives me time to recuperate and such.

Working

At work today ... didn't exactly make it here yesterday. So I am bored at my lanning time bc my partner in crime is out on professional development. I had one crazy weekend. And it's so weird to meet people that you think you could really be friends with and then they just leave (es if they are just here on vacay) I mean that really sucks you know. I am just very down and out today and don't know how I am going to make it through the next 9 days of work. If it was a normal school year we would be getting out this week, but since they changed the schedule we don't get out until June 4th and that makes me a tad unhappy. I am just very cranky today. And it is raining so that means no outdoor recess which means the kids start going a little bit crazy. Oh well, hopefully it will be okay.

It's been awhile

So it's been awhile but not a whole lot has changed in my life. I am still making stupid desicions because I have such a low self esteem that I sometimes do dumb things to try to make myself feel better. It doesn't. In fact, it has the opposite effect. I am not sure why I do this to myself. I need to make better choices.

How do you know when you love someone? How do you find someone that is your so called soul mate? Shouldn't they been around already?

Weight Loss Motivation

So this is the time of year when lots of people start tring to lose weight. I started losing weight in January of 2006. Above is a picture of me then. I am the one all the way on the right. Well I have been working my butt of at the gym and doing weight watchers and have lost about 90 lbs. So the other pic is of me now. It can be done and it is so important to work on your weight for your health. Happy new year!

My Car Likes to Test Me

So I think my car likes to test me and my emotional state and different points throughout the year. I have a 2006 car that I bought brand new. In march of 2007, it wouldn't start. So i called handy dandy triple a and they came and towed it to pep boys and then the pep boys got it started in no time by just turning the key and pushing down on the accelerator. I bring it to Nissan the next day and they tell me nothing is wrong with it.

Flash to July 2007. I had just come back from a trip to New Orleans and was luckily picked up at the airport. Well I went to leave to go grocery shopping (always when i need to go the grocery) and it wouldn't start. So at this point I have already forgotten the whole accelerator trick and called triple a. Well this triple a guy knew the trick and started the car. Again nothing wrong.

Seriously if it won't start as soon as I turn the key something has got to be wrong.

So about an hour ago, i travel down to my car to go to the grocery and my car again is testing me. Well I was paranoid about my car not starting my whole time at home this time but when I started it when I was at the airport on the 28th it was fine. 29th same thing. i didn't drive it on the 30th or the 31st. So I feel a little panic. I start breathing a little deeper. But this time, I was able to remain calm (did I forget to say the last two times this happen it evoked major tears.) So i remembered the handy dandy accelerator trick and after realizing I had to push on the accelarator harder it finally came to life. Whoo hoo! I am independent. No triple a needed this time.

I am still a little paranoid about the car but I guess it is a machine and machines are not 100% perfect. But truly, I would just like to know what the problem is so I don't always have to keep the trick in the back of my mind!

Happy 2008!